Ewwwww!

In my last post I made a reference to the fact that although I'm certified gangsta, I am deathly afraid of insects and spiders. I am a girly girl at heart. I don't like bugs, sweating (unless I'm working out or getting some pipe), camping, or anything that requires me to get dirty and/or be exposed to icky things.

So imagine my dismay when I went to visit one of my guy friends, and while we are sitting down on the couch having a conversation, a muthafuckin' roach crawls up the wall. It was crawling up the wall behind his head, so he couldn't see it because he was facing me. It was crawling slow too. It wasn't scurrying away quickly like a roach would when you turn on the lights. No. This one came out while the lights were on! It was a bold roach.

I wanted so badly to freak out, but the way my friend sat there nonchantly led me to believe that this was a pretty common occurence. You see, the house was filthy. Not like a junky person's house, where papers and clothes are strewn about, but I'm talking about stuff on top of stuff on top of stuff. The house was nasty. If there was one creepy crawler coming out while company was present, I'm sure there were several others who hadn't come out to say what's up.

I didn't say anything about it to my friend. I mean, he's my friend, but we're not cool like that where I would feel comfortable pointing out roaches and shit in his house. But it made me very uncomfortable. I was too scared to move or put my purse down somewhere for fear that one of them would crawl into my stuff. So I sat there with my purse on my lap for my entire visit. I'm sure my friend knows he has roaches. If one came out during my visit, I'm sure he sees them all the time. I just don't understand how someone can live in filth. That's not healthy. It's gross. Ick!

Random Thoughts

Why do I wait until the absolute last minute to do things? I am the biggest procrastinator. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I still end up doing things at the last minute.

I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman who can break down the toughest of men without even raising my voice. So why when I see a spider in my bedroom do I bitch up and start screaming like a total wuss?

Nordstrom's called me to inform me of the upcoming After-Thanksgiving sale. I must shop there way too much if they felt the need to inform me of a sale, and I'm not even a Nordstrom's cardholder.

While on the subject of shopping, I'm having the hardest time finding the perfect pair of black boots for winter. I mean, how hard is it to find 3 1/2 inch pointed-toe knee high crocodile boots in a size 7 1/2?

Thank God this week is a short week. I need a vacation from the miserable hoes I work with.

Speaking of, why does my coworker seem to always have VPL? Seamless underwear: a foreign idea?

It seems like we are going back in time. Yt ain't scared of us no more. But why should they be, when we hardly have any solidarity? It's hard to expect others to take us seriously when we don't do it ourselves. It's time to take this shit back. All of it.

blackgirlinterrupted, out.

I'm Not Feeling You

There are some people I absolutely cannot be in the same room with. I'm a person who is very sensitive to other people's vibes, so when I'm around people who give off negative vibes I immediately cast them into the category of people I'm not feeling.

Unfortunately some of those people are friends of my friends, so I'm forced to interact with them. I know my friends have good intentions and they try to bring everyone together when having parties, going out, etc., but I can't help feeling bummed out when I find out certain people are goint to be in attendance. And even worse is when my friends invite me to things that those I'm not feeling are having. I think to myself, "I don't even really like this person, why are you inviting me?" Maybe I'm just mean and not being a team player, but I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel and not like people I don't want to like. It's not like my feelings are unfounded. I don't just dislike people for no reason. If I don't like you, it's probably because you are unfriendly, you have a bad attitude for no reason, and you are just a bonafide bitch. Of course we all have our days when we aren't the most personable, but it's different when that's just the way you are.

But even when I'm forced to interact with heffas that I don't want to be around, I still play it cool. I'm nice, respectful, and polite. Just because they act a certain way doesn't mean I have to stoop to their level and reciprocate the behavior. Usually there are other people there who I am actually cool with so I just kick it with them.

It's just whack when my friends expect me to be around people I don't like. I have different types of friends of whom I am aware don't mesh well. So I kick it with them at different times. It's not very often that I bring them all together. Of course I don't expect my friends to not invite their other friends to things, because those are their friends too. But damn, don't invite me to shit for people I don't like. I won't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

Just Let It Go

It's a hard pill to swallow to admit to yourself when a relationship isn't going to work out. You had high aspirations for the situation, but they cannot compensate for the fact that the situation is doomed and there is no way to salvage it.

Although it is evident that shit is fucked up, the hardest thing to do is to walk away. Maybe your pride is holding you back, preventing you from admitting to yourself that it's over. You want to save face. Or maybe it's the hope that things will improve. That this is just a phase that will pass soon. But the relationship continues to fold, forcing you to admit the cold, hard truth--that it is time to let go.

The hardest part is making the initial step. You may still have feelings for your partner, so you don't want to just walk away. You don't want to just leave him alone. You feel like you can't just walk away from all the time, energy, etc. that you have invested. Sure, in the recent past he has been emotionally unavailable, disrespectful, and inconsiderate of your feelings, but he used to be so sweet and loving. You know that those good qualities are still there. They just need to be brought back out.

He may still have those qualities, but what good are they if he's not showing them to you? Those good qualities haven't surfaced for some time now. Sometimes you wonder if they still exist. If he's not treating you like the queen you were born to be, you need to find someone who will. Fuck sticking it out. He's sticking it out for convenience. Make it easy for him and bounce.

You have two options: you can stay in a one-sided relationship and continue to hold on to the hope that things will change, or you can take action and do both yourselves a favor and put the relationship out of its misery. It's going to be hard at first, but you'll be fine. Essentially you're alone anyway. You can do bad by yourself. You're still young and beautiful. You will meet someone else who is worthy of you and find true happiness. Don't stand in your own way.

Cry, grieve, vent, laugh, get fucked up (don't get ignorant with it though)...do what you gotta do to release those negative emotions. Build yourself back up. I promise you that when you come back you are going to be stronger, better, and more fabulous than ever.

Lean On Me

I'm spent.

For the past couple of weeks, everyone close to me has been using me as their confidante, their shoulder to lean on when they need someone to talk to. I love my people, but it can be emotionally draining. I tend to be the type of person who takes on the emotions of others, so when the people I love are hurt, so am I.

At the same time, I don't mind being there for people I care about, because I would want them to be there for me. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes.

I love my friends and family to death. I really could not imagine my life without them. They are always there for me. They tell me when I'm being stupid and still tolerate me when I'm being a total ass. I appreciate that about them, because I don't have time for "yes" people.

Its the weekend, its the weekend...

Damn it seems like I'm getting to the point where I am only blogging on the weekends. I gotta step my blog game back up.

I've had a busy yet productive week. Thankfully the week went by without any real work drama. Folks at my job seem to be on a mission to knock each other off the block, and I'm trying to avoid that mess. I go to work to do my work and be the best at what I'm doing. I don't try to advance by tearing down others. That shit is prevalent at my company, moreso than I have seen at other places I've worked. I'm learning to just do my shit and cover my own ass so that no surprises creep up later.

Last night I had a first date with this really cool guy. We'll call him W. I met W last week at Level 3. We have been talking on the phone all week, and he asked me to go out on Friday night. He got super cool points, because he asked me out on a Tuesday. A lot of guys wait until the last minute to ask you out. I thought that was very considerate of him to ask me out well in advance. I also thought it was cool that he actually asked me out on a date, because a lot of guys simply try to get you to come over to their house rather than trying to take you out. I'm all for staying in sometimes, but I'm not trying to just kick it at some guy's house who I don't know. I wouldn't want to give off the wrong impression. Plus, sometimes men take it for granted and think they never have to take you anywhere. Save the kicking it at home for once we get to know one another.

W and I went to Monsoon on the Santa Monica Promenade. Its a Pan-Asian themed restaurant and lounge that had a live jazz band. We didn't eat, but we had a couple of drinks and chilled. It was really nice. W is a good conversationalist and he seemed interested in me and what I had to say. He was trying to be affectionate with me, which is not a bad thing, but I usually take a little while to warm up to people. I made it clear (not in a bitchy way) that although I like being affectionate I have to become more comfortable around someone before I can be that way.

After we left Monsoon we went back to his condo and chilled for a little while. His place is nice. Its apparent that its a bachelor pad (yes, I was looking for signs of a female presence) but it was still relatively clean. While we were sitting on the couch watching Cedric the Entertainer's HBO special, he leaned over and kissed me. I was a little apprehensive about that (remember the last guy I kissed?) but he was a really good kisser. He made me want more, lol. There was definitely a lot of chemistry between us and I wanted to explore that, but its too early in the game. I want to get to know him more as a person before I become physical with him. It's hard though, because my plan B isn't working out so I'm not getting dicked down on the regular anymore.

I trust that everything will work itself out. I'm glad I met someone who is cool, attractive, and sexy and who hasn't given me a reason to complain right off the bat. I'm looking forward to getting to know W and seeing where things lead.