The Dreaded Talk

When dating, when does it become time to have the talk? At what point do you and the person you have been seeing sit down and have a candid conversation about where things are going between you?

I have been dating the pseudo for over 6 months now. However, neither one of us has initiated "the talk." We have alluded to it, hinted at it, and made reference to it, but we haven't had it yet. Although we deeply care for one another and enjoy spending time together, we both have loads of baggage (he more than I) that needs to be dealt with before we can think about having a relationship with one another. In case any of my four readers ever wondered why I refer to the pseudo as such, well, our situation has all the trappings of a relationship but we are not actually in one. Neither one of us is seeing other people, we spend lots of quality time together, we have been there for each other in hard times, and we are each others' biggest supporters. I even have a garage door opener to his place, a parking space, toothbrush, toiletries, and a robe at his house. Despite all this, we are both very hesitant to make it official.

Honestly, although I care for him, I enjoy my freedom. I enjoy not having to answer to him. He doesn't place any pressure on me about anything. He gives me the freedom to love him on my own terms, not by his. By not focusing on naming our situation I have been able to have my own space to grow and have my own life. I have been able to appreciate him much more than I would had we insisted on slapping a title on our situation.

Its not as if we have never had a conversation about what we wanted from each other or where things may go. We have had several conversations about that. We just haven't declared whether we are going to be in a relationship or not.

This has been a perfect situation for a commitment-phobe such as myself. It has given me space and time to narrow in on what I want for myself and in a man. Sometimes the idea of a relationship scares me. I begin to think, "what if I invest so much of myself only to be hurt?" or "what if there is someone else out there for me?" I suppose a part of me will always wonder. I guess the measuring stick is when that feeling of wonder nags at me so much that I have to act on that feeling. And of course that feeling has to be coupled with something concrete. I am a true believer that God will show you if you are doing the right thing. You just have to heed when he gives you the sign.

So we have scheduled the talk for when he comes back from New York in a week and a half. That gives me enough time to go back and forth with myself about the situation.

What's Your Vice?

Everyone has some sort of addiction. For some its gambling, for others it may be alcohol, marijuana, or narcotics. I'm cool on the contraband for the most part aside from hitting a joint occassionally if someone passes it to me (I mean, it IS rude to decline), so I replace those vices with shopping. I seriously believe I have a shopping addiction. I'm the kind of person who no matter where she goes, has to buy something. Even a routine run to the drugstore turns into an opportunity to purchase yet another powder pink nail color or yet another unnecessary hair product.

Case and point: Today I went to Target (Tarjay if you are buying clothing) simply to pick up shaving cream, Aleve, and gum. First off, I was set up for failure as soon as I walked in the store because the clothing department was the first section I saw. I figured I would go over and browse a little. Then I began to think, well, I did tell myself I was going this weekend to pick up a couple of items to wear to work, so why not see what they have here? The next thing I knew I had 5 shirts in my hand, Aleve, no gum or shaving cream, a DVD (Me, Myself, & Irene...it was only $7.50!) and a CD holder. Wtf? I only left the store with one item that I originally went for.

I pretty much do this whenever I go shopping. I enjoy the act of browsing, picking through stuff, and piecing together clothes. I like buying pretty things that make me feel fabulous although most of the time I'm broke as a joke. My rationale is, hey, I'm broke, but I still need to look good! There is nothing worse than being broke and looking like shit. And on the real, I work hard for the little money I do make, so the least I can do is reward myself with something nice.

Ch-Ch-Changes

After being on the new job for about a week and a half, I decided I like it. I'm learning a lot about marketing, my new supervisor seems to really want to help me succeed, and people give me enough space to do my thing. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely cannot stand when people are breathing down my back about something or otherwise invading my bubble for no apparent reason.

Although the new gig all good, the Virgo in me has already found like ten things to complain about already. First, I don't like the fact that my cubicle is located near a main walkway, there is a lot of human traffic near my workspace. Luckily the office is about 20 people, so its not heavy traffic. But still. I can't surf the internet in peace without people walking by and being able to see what's on my screen. Its going to be hard to check out some of my favorite blogs while I'm supposed to be working. I also have a problem with the fact that some people in the office are condescending toward the receptionist. Myself and the receptionist are the only black people in the office, and I can relate to her job because I did it for several years. She is one of those people who is really nice and easygoing (much like part of my personality) and I can see that certain people take her kindness for a weakness. At first I thought she was being treated a certain way because she was a sista, but it dawned on me that that couldn't be because those same people don't come at me like that. My demeanor is such that I will be cool with someone if they are cool with me, but I don't take any disrespect from anyone and when they cross the line I let them know in a firm, yet polite and tactful manner. So needless to say, they don't fuck with me too much.

The things I dislike about the job are superseded by many great benefits. *Note: I'm about to brag right now.* I get off at 2 on Fridays during the summer, I get my birthday off, free lunch EVERY day (holla!) medical, dental, 401k, life, disability, and free bagels and Starbucks coffee every morning. Life is good.

I'm In a Good Mood Today (Finally!)

Its a beautiful Sunday morning today. Too bad my four days of freedom are coming to an end, but I have no complaints because I've been having a pretty fantastic weekend so far. On Friday I played tour guide to a friend from out of town. We went to Roscoe's (one of my favorites!) and toured the city. Later that evening I went to have drinks with my best friend and her coworkers. I had a couple of drinks and decided to leave after deciding I couldn't deal with their drunkenness. After that we went to a friend's friend's house to chill out in the hot tub. It was great to just relax and chill out. We enjoyed a fabulous view of the city. Good ending to a long day.

Saturday was "me" day. I got up early and went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. Then I went to get a mani/pedi. After that I went back home and took a two hour nap. It was fantastic. Later that night we went to a friend's surprise 25th b-day party. Good food, good music, and good people. Lots of hot guys in attendance, so that put the icing on the cake.

I don't know what today holds, but I plan on continuing with the theme of relaxation and good company. Its been awhile since I have been this chill. I had been really stressed out and angry and it was beginning to take its toll on me. I just want to purge my life of all things negative. At least if I can't do that I want to keep any negativity that surrounds me to a minimum.

Freedom

I'se finally free! At least from the job I hate. I'll be shackled to another job starting next week. But its all good though! My bitch of a boss wasn't happy that I was leaving, but she can eat a fat one for all I care!

In addition to starting a new job, I'm also looking to move out. Believe you me, I love living at home rent free, but I'm ready to be independent and live on my own. And you know Mama is not happy about that. Most people have parents that can't wait until their children leave the nest, but not me. My mother tries to think of every reason in the book why I shouldn't leave, but she is just going to have to deal with it. I think she is suffering from empty nest syndrome, because my little sister just graduated from high school and is about to start college. We aren't babies anymore, so she's freakin' out a little bit.

I'm supposed to go and check out an apartment tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm nervous about breaking out on my own with my feeble income, but I'm confident in myself that I will make things work. If its in God's plan for me to break out on my own right now, it will happen. If he wants me to wait, I have no choice but to accept it. I have to remind myself of that fact, because I tend to get very impatient, and I want what I want when I want it.

I really want to buy a house, but I've been researching the housing market and the prices are astronomical out here. I also began to think I should hold off on it because I don't know where I want to settle. I may decide I want to live outside of LA. I want to live in places outside of California before I settle down and have a family. So until I'm sure of all that, it would be better to keep my housing situation flexible.

The rental rates are high as hell out here. Its well over $1000 a month to live somewhere decent. In a way I wish I qualified for Section 8 or some shit so I can get a rent reduction. There should be some sort of break for people who are just starting out. I know, I know, wishful thinking.

Damn You, Myspace!

So I finally broke down and created a myspace page. I always talked shit about people and their myspace pages, referring the the website as "the new blackplanet" except now EVERYONE is on that piece. I will now be subject to the receipt of random messages by random people, along with being subject to the possibility of being contacted by people I haven't seen or spoken to in the last 10 years.

The only reason I created a profile was because I ran across someone that I hadn't talked to in several years, and I wanted to hit that person up. The damn website will allow you to view a person's page, but it strong-arms you into creating a profile before you can send that person a message.

I decided at first to create a really brief general profile so that I could send my friend a message. But then the vanity in me came out when I began to think, "I should post a picture of myself so people can see how fabulous I am." My reasoning was, hey, if people I haven't seen in years do decide to look me up on myspace, I want them to see how good I look. I don't want them to assume I'm busted now. So yes, I admit that I part of me created a profile simply to say, "Look at me now, bitches!"

And as much as I don't want to admit it, myspace is a good place to meet people. Although, I probably won't meet my next ex-boyfriend on there. Well, maybe. Because everybody and their damn mama has a myspace page and I may run into someone I know.

Well, I'm off now. I'm going to try to add some friends to my list. Ciao!

Getting My Ish Together

I am in the process of trying to get my life together. I am trying to get myself in a position where I am financially comfortable and stable. I am also trying to move out. Its definitely time. I would have done it a long time ago if the cost of living wasn't so high in LA.

Today I was driving down my street, and I noticed that a house on the corner was for sale. Although I live in the hood, I really like my neighborhood. The houses are actually really nice. People tend to sleep on many of the homes in my city because of the city's reputation. But I know better.

Anyway, I'm thinking about trying to purchase the house. It would be a good investment, because if I decide one day that I don't want to live in it, I could rent it out or sell it. Also, the homes in my area are increasing in value because of the housing shortage in Los Angeles. People who fifty years ago moved out of areas where Blacks and Hispanics now reside are moving back to those areas, because homes are so expensive in areas such as Santa Monica, West LA, Hollywood, etc. They are moving south and east, where all the melanin lives.

Its funny, because today I was outside talking to a friend who lives a couple of blocks away, and I noticed a middle aged white woman and what appeared to be her child riding their bicycles down the street. I was like, "Look! White people!" It may sound bad, but the racial makeup of Los Angeles neighborhoods are very clearly defined. Whites on the westside, Blacks and Mexicans in the south, and Mexicans on the east. Its been pretty much like that for the past several decades. My friend was like, "I thought the same thing when I first saw them, but they've been around for a few months. They live down the street from me."

That got me to thinking. If YT is moving back to the hood, that means that there is about to be a demand for housing in the hood. Its so funny that they are going back to the very areas that they left when we moved in. The very areas that are deemed to be "ghetto" and "run down."

And you know with YT coming back they are going to try to get most of us out of here. The police are killing off and incarcerating black men. Its like genocide out here. Its real in the field.

I consulted a friend who does real estate, and he gave me a Cliff Notes version of the home buying process. I trust him, and I know he will look out for my interests (especially when it will put some money in his pocket). I'm about to get this ball rolling. At first I was eager to move out into an apartment, but I'm beginning to think I should hold out for the house.

Superficial...So?

With the dating market so tough, one has to really sit and ponder. What things are absolutely non-negotiable when it comes to a mate? It is so hard to find the right person, so when you meet someone who has most of the qualities you are looking far, its hard to dismiss that person for seemingly superficial reasons.

I have been guilty of letting a few good ones slip away. I remember I was dating a guy several years ago who was super nice, sweet, successful, handsome, generous, and we had a good time together. He was an overall great guy. "Why did you stop dating him?" you may ask. Well, he had a small penis. Thats a big issue for me (no pun intended). I'm not saying that my potential bed buddy needs to be hung like Mr. Marcus, but damn, if your penis looks like a Vienna sausage your chances of hittin' it are minimal.

But I digress. Sometimes I'm guilty of not giving guys a chance because they may be too short, too light, too skinny, or because he is or is aspiring to be a RAW (rapper, actor, or whatever). I could be missing out on a lot of great guys because I am weeding them out. And it doesn't have to always lead to romance, I may also be missing out on the opportunity to make new friends.

The easy response would be just to say I will open myself up a little more. I'll try. I can't make any promises though.