uncertainty

I'm in the process of a career change. I'm pursuing a teaching career, and my goal is to be teaching in my own classroom this fall. I've made lots of progress; I have an interview next week with an organization that selects teaching candidates for charter schools in the LA area. I already registered for the CBEST, and once I get my hands on some extra cash I'm registering for the subject matter exams for the grade level I want to teach.

I ran across another good opportunity teaching for a summer reading program. I applied for it on a whim, because it seems like a good way to gain experience in a classroom setting and I'm very passionate about books, reading, and learning.

Despite the fact that these opportunities are promising, I feel uncertain. That stupid negative voice in my head is nagging me and making me wonder: if I quit my job to take the summer teaching position, what if I don't get a teaching job after the program ends? I can't afford to spend any time unemployed.

No matter what the negative voice says, my gut is telling me to go for it. I'll just have to deal with the consequences later. The relentless optimist in me thinks that this is a golden opportunity because it's a way to gain valuable experience, and it's a way for me to leave my shitty job sooner than I originally thought I would. If I get the summer teaching job I'll be out that bitch by Memorial Day rather than August or September.

It's not like my current job is stable to begin with. My company got purchased by its partner, and all operations except for my department are being relocated to Texas. Supposedly my department gets to remain alive since there isn't any internet marketing talent in the new city. Granted, web marketing thrives mostly on the coasts. But think about it, how many startups have your heard of that pop up in the middle of nowhere? Also, the fact that there isn't a plethora of web marketing talent in TX doesn't mean that they won't find any and replace the people on my team. It would be cheaper and more efficient for the company to hire local talent rather than to keep us in LA. We're all expendable.

I'm 90% sure that I will have a teaching job with full salary and benefits at the beginning of the fall school year. LAUSD is hard up for teachers, maybe due to their faulty payroll system. Compton Unified is so desperate for teachers that they will not only pay you full salary and benefits, but they will pay for your credential program and help you pay off your old student loans. There are over a hundred charter schools in LA, many of which have a desperate need for teachers. Despite talks of proposed state budget cuts in education, it's a job seeker's market in the education game.

I may be without benefits for the summer, but it's very likely that I'll have a job this fall. In the interim, that's why God made COBRA.

This is where going back to church has inspired me so much. It helps me to have faith when I'm not sure what road to take. All I have to do is take a step, because it's already done. God's gonna work it out.

Peace.

loss of motivation

I know this is bad, but I've become very, very unmotivated when it comes to my job. I've reached the point where I hate it and I dread getting up to go to work everyday. If they let me go I would be happy, because then I would be eligible for unemployment.

Today was a breaking point for me. I saw an invoice for a consultant the company employs, who is working on a project that consists of the same exact thing I do every single day. Except, this consultant doesn't even really work in advertising, her real "job" is an actress. She just helps out on a few projects on an as needed basis. The invoice showed that she is paid $25 bucks an hour to do what I showed her how to do. My pay comes out to about $15-$16 an hour. That was like a slap in the face to me.

Don't think I haven't brought the issue of a raise up to my boss. Her reply is that the 5% percent that I received at my annual review was the max I could receive, and the company is going through a big reorganization and they aren't giving out pay increases. So she can get the company to pay this fake ass actress to do my job on a freelance basis, but they can't pay me more to do it every day.

This is exactly why I sit on my ass and run my mouth on the phone with my friends on company time. This is why I chat on IM and email all day, and print hundreds of pages per day on the company printer. This is why I take 3 unauthorized 20 minute breaks every day, in addition to my lunch. This is why I jack blank cds from the supply room so I can come home and burn cds. This is why I don't have a sense of urgency to do my job, because these bitches don't pay me what I'm worth. They would rather pay someone else to do my job than to pay me more. They deserve every iota of abuse of company resources that they get, from me and everyone else who works there.

I used to give 110%. I used to go above and beyond, stay late, work from home, and do whatever I had to do to finish projects. Now, I simply don't give a fuck. Now I spend the majority of my days working on getting my teaching career going while reading the NY & LA Times. I do the bare minimum that's required of me, but that's it.

I hate to think that it's a race thing, but I can't help but suspect that based on how I'm treated versus how others are treated. Things are made easier for the beckies, while it seems like things are made more difficult for me. Becky can call in late every day and take hour and a half lunches, but if I take a break to use my cell phone for more than 15 minutes it's an issue. The company pays Becky's car note, while I can't even get paid what I'm worth. Yes, my job is paying one of my coworker's car note. That screams suspect to me.

It's very disappointing because it seems like no matter how hard you work, no matter how good you are at your job, it doesn't matter in Corporate America. All that matters is whether they like you, and if you kiss ass, you're good. BGI's mama didn't raise her to kiss people's ass. She raised to her be respectful and polite, but brown nosing is a no-no.

I could see if I didn't perform well, but I'm one of the best employees at my job. I get compliments all the time from my colleagues and vendors. My boss, the ungrateful whore that she is, is the only one who doesn't appreciate my efforts. I can't wait for the day that I hand in my resignation, and see the look on her face when she realizes that I won't be there to run reports, handle accounts, troubleshoot, follow up, or handle any of the day to day aspects of the company's internet ad campaigns. That shit is going to fall apart when I leave, and I'm going to be laughing when that shit crumbles.

End rant.

BGI

doin hollywood

I usually stay away from the whole Hollywood scene. Although it's fun it can be a bit too superficial and pretentious for my taste. What can I say? I'm a ghetto nerd/urban hippie who thinks she's too good to kick it with the Hollywood folks. Fuck it, I'm a native. I'm allowed to be that way. But anyway, since the pseudo had to work on the Image Awards on Valentine's day, he invited me and my peoples to the show. Even though me and him couldn't spend time together one on one, at least we got to hang a little bit.

The show was good, although I find it more entertaining to people watch when I'm doing the Hollywood thing. Sidebar: In my opinion, Hollywood is not only a place here in LA, it also describes a state of mind or a state of being. It becomes who you are. Sometimes people are just really Hollywood. Wearing shades to the club at night=Hollywood. Responding with, "do you know who I am?" when people don't acquiesce to you=Hollywood. Trying to come up in the entertainment game by any means necessary, which very likely may include compromising your integrity=Hollywood. Introducing yourself as Snoop's cousin/Alicia Keys's stylist/Jada Pinkett's assistant's assistant=Hollywood. I think you catch my drift.

The actual award show was nice, but the after party to the Image Awards was the jump off. It was hosted by Doug E. Fresh, who after all these years can still rock a crowd like it's nobody's business. That's definitely the dude you want to have at your bar mitzvah, know what I mean? He had the WHOLE crowd jumping, singing along, dancing...I've never personally witnessed someone rock a crowd like that. And he does the Doug E. Fresh move so smoothly. Me and my BFF were crushing on him. We were like two 80s groupies out there.

My favorite part of the night was when Doug E. was up on stage beat boxing, and then Stevie Wonder came onstage and started singing along with him. While Doug E. was beat boxing! It was a perfect musical moment of straight up hip hop and classic soul coming together. It was live, it was acapella, it felt like history. That is a moment I will never forget.

We were supposed to leave the party at 11pm, to get home in time enough to grab at least 6 hours before having to get up for work the next day. At 11pm I was out on the dance floor doin da butt (ah, sexy sexy!) with some dude with a perm. I didn't make it home until about 1:30am.

Still made it in to work, albiet super tired. I made it through the day though. But the night I had before was well worth the sluggishness I felt today.

Doin da butt,

BGI

mindless meanderings...

As usual, my thoughts are all over the place. Streams of consciousness...

Is it me or are Tuesdays the most hellish day of the week? On Tuesday mornings it seems like I've woken up after falling asleep only minutes earlier. The day goes by hella slow, and there's shit on tv when I get home. Thank God for DVR.

I'm excited about pursuing my teaching career. I think once I move into this career it will signify the end of me changing careers like a pair of undies. Initially I thought I wanted to teach elementary school, but something in me wants to reach junior high school kids. Sure, at that age they're starting to smell themselves in a figurative sense, but I feel like that's a time when kids need someone who is willing to reach out to them, interact with them, and guide them. Plus, I think I can handle them at that age. I'm pretty well known for being a hard ass so I already got the stern thing down.

I plan on being in somebody's classroom this fall. I don't have all the details worked out yet, but I'm getting my ducks in a row and taking the required exams and applying to teaching programs. It gives me a real sense of peace and solace to know exactly what direction I'm headed in. When my boss is being an insipid cunt, I think to myself, "I won't have to deal with this stupid corporate bullshit for too much longer," and it warms my heart. It makes the day just a little more tolerable.

Valentine's day is this week...the pseudo will be working but he invited me, my mama and 'nem to the NAACP Image Awards. I'm excited about that. It was his idea for me to invite my mom, which was very thoughtful of him. He got a couple cool points for that. His mom is coming too, so I'll be meeting her for the first time. Nervous much?

We likely won't celebrate V-day on the 14th, but this weekend I'm planning on making a special meal. I'm thinking maybe stuffed chicken, veggies sauteed in onion, garlic, and butter, roasted potatoes...and for dessert, BGI a la mode. Kidding! I don't know what I'm making for dessert. I have no idea what to get him for a gift, so I decided to make dinner. People usually have most of the material things they need, so I like to give gifts that provide experiences for people. I like to take people to cool places, cook or bake for them, or do a nice gesture. Sometimes those are the best gifts.

Anybody can buy a pair of silk boxers for Valentine's day, but not everyone can make a 4 course dinner with dessert.


BGI

random ass days: the story of my life

As anyone who has read my blog for any period of time knows, I experience quite a few random moments on a regular basis. I don't know what it is, it's always been that way for me. I just experience things and events that are a little out of the ordinary.

Case in point: yesterday my BFF and I went to Berri's for the CA primary viewing party. It was a cool event, drinks and appetizers while watching the exit poll results. Btw, Obama didn't win CA, but it's all good because as of this post he's won 13 states to Hill's 8. Although she has won more delegates so far, I think it's apparent that Obama is more popular and may indeed win the popular vote come November. But I digress.

So while I'm at the spot the pseudo sends me a dirty text that says, "come do me in the edit bay." He's a tv producer, so he spends quite a bit of time there. It's awards season and he's working insane hours these days. But anyway, by the time I checked my phone and saw the text, I had already had a few drinks and I responded, "Boy stop I may really swing through." The next thing I knew he called me, and I was on my way to Century City.

I got to his office, and he and his video editor were hard at work editing a piece for the grammys on Sunday. It was like 10:30 at night and these dudes were still going hard. The pseudo decided to take a break, and we went into one of the empty edit bays. We sat and talked for a second, then he moved in to kiss me. The next thing I knew we were going at it in the edit bay!

This officially goes down as the craziest place I've ever had sex. I had sex in the edit bay of a major network owned by Viacom. I've always had a fantasy about having sex at the workplace. And it was so good too! I guess the excitement associated with the situation made it really hot. When we were done, the pseudo said, "you know, when I sent you that text I was bored and just kidding around. I didn't think you would really come down."

Don't test me, boo. I just may surprise you.

Holla atcha girl,

BGI

Super Tuesday (Eve)

For some reason I'm kind of excited for Super Tuesday. It could be all the media hype surrounding the primaries, and I'm a media junkie, so I've been bombarded with messages at every turn. Or it could be that this election is one for the history books, considering that its a very real possibility that our next president will either be female or a black man. Or, it could be that my endorphins are high since I just got home from the gym. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm feeling very optimistic about the future of our country.

I'm going to swing by the poll when it opens @ 7am. That way I can proudly sport an "I Voted" sticker at work. But seriously, if I do it early I won't have any excuses to not do it when I get off work. Plus, I found the most random event: a super Tuesday viewing party @ Berri's in West Hollywood. The event is supposed to cater to urban professionals and will allow for people to socialize while watching the primary results. It's like Monday Night Football for the California Primary. Since I'm planning on going to that I won't be able to vote after work. I'll be damned if I drive home to South LA and then back to West Hollywood after work. Me thinks not.

It'll be fun to get faded and talk politics with people. Hopefully no fights break out. Fools be trippin.

Oh, and I have a surprise: I started going back to church. BGI is no longer a heathen! I went back a couple of Sundays ago on a whim, and it was sooooo good. I felt like my spirit had been cleansed. I've been going to City of Refuge, which is a huge church, but I love it. The pastor there is great. I'll have to give you more in another post sometime. I'm telling you about church because yesterday Bill Clinton stopped through. And I missed it! I was there last Sunday and it was just regular old church. I skipped this Sunday and the former president came through. Damn damn damn! I would have really liked to see him. Even though I'm not voting for his baby mama.

Vote for Obama!