Bitchin' bout the holidays

Scrooge.

I'm canceling the holidays this year. I'm not really feeling up to it, so I'm sitting this one out. I sound like a scrooge, but I'm just not into it. I don't have one of those close knit families that has holiday get togethers. When I was a kid we used to do stuff like that but since my sister and I are grown I guess there isn't an incentive anymore. For the past several years I've ended up at a friend's house on the holidays. Way to mooch off other people's family gatherings.

My mom is a nurse, so she'll prolly be working on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I won't be kicking it with Pops, we just aren't close like that. We talk every couple of weeks or so. I'll call to wish him a good one, but that's about it. My aunt is coming to town from AZ for Thanksgiving, but I don't like her so I'm none too excited about spending the holidays with her. You know how everyone has that mean auntie? That's her. Plus she's a horrible houseguest, so I'm not anxiously awaiting her arrival.

My Christmas list is very short, its about 3 people long, including myself and whoever I get stuck with for Secret Santa at work.

I guess my apathy for the holidays has to do with the fact that I don't have many good memories associated with them. It seems like bad stuff always happens around this time of year. One year my cousin died at the age of 21 on Christmas day. Another year I broke up with a serious boyfriend on Christmas. This year my sister's aunt is in a coma due to an aneurysm and her chances of surviving are slim.

Maybe if I had a child I would have a reason to be excited for the holidays. It's really for the kids. Until then, I'm going to use this time to take advantage of the holiday sales to shop for myself and get drunk at holiday parties. Self-centered? Probably so. But I don't give a shit.

Happy holidays!

Peace.

Stank no mo'

Did I mention that I'm not in a stank mood anymore? Whatever funky ass mood I was in, it passed. Your comments helped, it feels good to have a couple of people out there who care enough to comment when I blog about feeling stank.

It was just a textbook case of being stressed and burnt out. Bullshit coming at me from every imaginable angle. It was really wearing me down and putting me in a really negative place. I didn't want to be in that place, but I couldn't break out of it. I had to acknowledge it, let myself feel it, and wait for it to blow over.

Just like the sunshine after a rainstorm, the stank is gone. BGI is back to her normal. 'Cause you know my normal is different from that of others.

Peace.

The pseudo, revisited

Me and the former pseudo are kind of back on. I know, I know, no throwbacking. I don't have an excuse, other than the fact that we started hanging out again and eventually we started dating again.

In all honesty, I still care about him. I never stopped. That's why I was so pissed when shit went down. That's why I stopped speaking to him for awhile, because I wanted to torture him with silence. I tried to push him away. But he wouldn't go away, and I really didn't want him to. I forgave him, became friends with him again, and now we're dating again.

I don't know what's going to happen this time. I want to be optimistic and hope that things won't turn out fucked up. But in the back of my mind I always remember what happened before and how things went south. For the most part I don't focus on either; I just enjoy the time we spend together.

There's no guarantee that things will work. The same holds true for the opposite. We've addressed the issue that led to us falling out, I guess it's squashed.

On an unrelated but sort of related note, I feel like although we had our drama, our situation was good for the most part. I haven't had anything like that since. He sort of set the bar, and I haven't encountered anyone who could meet or exceed that.

I forgave, but I'll never forget. The memories of what happened before is what keeps me from falling too much. It's a struggle, because I want to, but I feel like I can't. So I have to keep a lid on it for now.

Until next time...peace.

Stank

I'm in a real stank mood and I can't seem to break out of it. I want to be bubbly again, but right now it ain't happening. I guess I just have to wait for the pendulum to swing the other way.

The external circumstances around me don't help the situation. I'm beginning to hate my job, my classes are boring, and I'm broke. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be very far away. I'm in a state of confusion when it comes to work, relationships, and the general path of my life. I guess this quarterlife crisis is hitting hard.

I manage to cope throughout this strange period. Prayer keeps me grounded and centered. I know this is just a phase and it will pass. But in the meantime I'm going through it.

What would life be if it were happy all the time? If we don't go through fucked up periods, we'll never appreciate the good things in life when we receive them. So I guess it's safe to say that I appreciate the bad along with the good.

Peace.