California Dreamin'

My fucking sinuses are killing me. The Southern California air is so polluted right now, there's a thick cloud of smoke, dust, and debris hovering over us. I could imagine how those who lost their homes are suffering, but the remnants of the catastrophe affect those of us who live several miles away.

I live in the basin. The wildfires are concentrated mostly in San Bernadino County, Northern LA County, San Diego County, and Orange County, all of which are more than 20 miles away. It's like a ring of fire around Los Angeles County. Although the fires are quite a distance from the greater LA County, we are still experiencing smoke in the air and soot on our cars.

It's sprinkling today, this is the first sign of precipitation we've had in months. Hopefully we'll get a big rain storm that will wash away the polluted air. Then maybe those warnings to stay indoors will be lifted.

When I was a kid I used to have nightmares about fires. Earthquakes too. But I never thought something like this would happen. Sixteen wildfires that burned thousands of square miles, causing over $1 billion in damages.

When things like this happen I can't help but feel melancholy. Like we're living in the last days. I felt the same way after 9/11, and after Hurricane Katrina. Every couple of years there's some sort of mass destruction. The frequency of such events makes me a little afraid. I don't believe these are coincidences. I don't believe in coincidences.

I can't believe no one has said the T word yet. There is much talk of arson, but I haven't heard any speculation that the California wildfires are a possible terrorist attack. When you think about the impact - millions of displaced people, physical damage to people's home and the environment - it has the markings of a terrorist attack. A terrorist attack of this kind is especially fearful, because how can you prevent someone from starting a fire? It could have been anyone.

There is also a little bit of talk about insurance fraud. It seems timely that something like this would happen right after millions of homebuyers went into foreclosure. If your home burns down and you still owe on it, fire insurance will cover the loss.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that we're living in the last days. I feel like all I can do is do right by others, maintain a close relationship with my creator, and live my life to the fullest. I feel really sad for my state. I pray for those who were affected by these wildfires, and I wish them the best in rebuilding their lives.

Um...really? (Part II)

Continued from Friday's post.

Utterly confused, I hop in my car and dip out. Halfway home Mr. NC calls. "Is everything ok? It seemed like you left all of a sudden." Wha?

I said, "everything is fine with me, are YOU ok?" He said everything was cool, but it seemed like he was upset. Instead of kicking it with him for an extended period of time, I only stayed over for a few minutes. I did tell him I had stuff to do. I mean shit, I stopped by his house right after work. I hadn't been home yet that day, and for the previous few days I had been out and about so much that I had only been in and out of the house to sleep and shower. I needed to see what was cracking at the home front. However, I didn't explain all this to him, because a) I assumed that it wasn't a problem if I wanted to leave although he wanted me to stay and b) I simply don't have to. When I say I'm getting ready to go, that's it. No questions asked.

I didn't mention to him the fact that he slammed the door in my face that day, because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. That action showed another side to the "really sweet guy" I thought he was.

I went home and chilled. I needed some me time. I watched my shows on DVR, gossiped on the phone with my girl, cleaned my bedroom, and made myself dinner. In the midst of my me time, Mr. NC called again.

NC: Hey BGI, what's up.
Me: Hey, what's up?
NC: BGI, can I tell you something?

At this point I knew something big was coming. I just wasn't sure what he was going to say.

Me (pausing): NC, before you say what you have to say, think about the impact it may have. It sounds like it may be something big.
NC (completely disregarding the warning I just gave him): Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are the woman of my dreams. I want to be with you one day, I want to be your man. Just let me know when you're ready because I'm here.
Me: I'm not ready for a relationship right now [at least not with him]. I don't want you to be in limbo waiting on me, that wouldn't be fair.
NC: Just let me know when you're ready. There's so much I want to do for you. I want to take care of you, I want to do whatever you want me to do. I want to be your superman.
Me: *silence*
NC: I know I don't have much going on right now but I need a woman like you by my side. Oh, and that thing about my dick not getting hard, that was nothing.
Me (paralyzed): Uh...

As soon as NC said "can I tell you something?" I had a feeling he was about to drop a bomb, I just wasn't sure of what he was going to say. I didn't expect that he was about to pour his heart out though.

It was pretty awkward. Obviously I don't reciprocate those feelings. Also, how does one respond to that? It was just weird all around.

After that conversation I didn't expect to hear from him again for awhile, but he called the next day. As soon as I picked up the phone he started explaining himself. He told me he was drunk when he called me and said that stuff and that he didn't really mean what he said. I sort of stopped him, trying to end the conversation right there. Because he was just digging a hole deeper and deeper for himself. I told him to stop trying to clear it up because it's not going to change the fact that he said it, and I think he's lying about being drunk. I felt really embarrassed for him. The only way we can be friends again is to sweep this one under the rug.

I think NC is a cool person for the most part, but we're just not on the same level. He's too immature for me to date, but he makes a good friend. The attraction I felt for him was physical, but when it seemed that he wasn't capable of acting upon that physical attraction, there was nothing left for me to be interested in.

But at least he got weed, though.

Um...really?

Hello, and welcome again to the randomness that is my life. This is going to be a long ass post, so grab your drinks and read on. I think the last time I posted I made a reference to Mr. No Car, this really sweet guy I was seeing who has a whack ass dating resume.

I wouldn't say something like that just to be harsh. Well, I probably would but it's really true. Aside from the fact that he doesn't have a car, which is an anomaly in Los Angeles, he's sort of whack all around.

In the blink of an eye Mr. No Car has shown his ass. Let me rewind a little.

Mr. No Car and I had been hanging out on the regular for a couple months. It was all pretty much hanging out, because he never took me on a date. I suggested we go out and do something, anything, on several occasions but for some reason or another things always fell through. It didn't really matter to me, because I see other men, who I go out with all the time. I just thought it would have been nice to kick it with Mr. NC outside of the confines of his apartment.

Mr. NC is one of those "bout to" niggas. "I was about to play for the NFL, but I got hurt." Or, "I was about to start modeling for [insert famous name here], but [something] happened." Another one: "I was going to go the college, but [insert excuse here]. Damn, can you name something that you were "about" to do, that you actually achieved? I can let the first "bout to" slide, because sometimes shit happens, but I'm noticing a pattern here.

So even though I thought Mr. NC was an underachiever with no car, I still kicked it with him. There was some attraction there, so I figured I would be one of those ideal FWB* situations. Not like a pseudo-boyfriend situation, but one where both parties enjoy each others company and fuck the shit out of each other. My thinking was, well, I don't want to be with Mr. NC like that, but he's sexy. So why not keep him around for the D? I need a new ED* anyway.

It looks like I'm going to have to keep looking for that new ED. Last week, Mr. NC and I were about to get it in. We were buzzing, we had the music playing, it was about to go down. We had the foreplay action going on, the whole she-bang. Then, something happened. Or rather, something didn't happen. Let's say...how can I put this? You know what, fuck it, I'm not real good with the euphemisms...Mr. NC couldn't get it up.

We tried. I tried jacking him off, he tried eating my pussy, but he was still having difficulties. He asked me for some head but I said HELL NO, I only do that with people I actually like. You're just aiight, Mr. NC. For a second I thought I was contributing to his flaccid status, but it couldn't be, I'm way too sexy and fly for that. (Vain moment of the day.)

I wasn't about to sit there and figure out why this 27 year old man needed Viagra, so I put on my clothes and bounced.

Fast forward a week later, Mr. NC invited me over to smoke with him. Btw, this guy has no car, no money to take me out on a date, but he ALWAYS has weed. Cush, specifically. For those of you that don't partake, cush is high grade weed that is pretty costly compared to other types. Dude got money to buy weed but he can't take ya girl to Roscoe's. Damn.

Anyway, we smoked and we were chillin. I had stopped by his house after work, so I hadn't planned on staying long. After smoking and kicking with him for a spell I told him I had to go. He looked at me weird and was like, "Is everything ok?" I told him everything was cool, but I had to go. I had shit to do. I got up and he walked me to the door. I walked outside the door and turned to give him a goodbye hug. He slams the door in my face. Word?

Ok really ya'll, this is a long post. Part II tomorrow.





*FWB: friends with benefits. Hey, sometimes it works.
*ED: emergency dick in the glass. Every woman has one, whether she admits it or not.

BGI is not dead

Hey ya'll, sorry for the recent lack of posts. These days I have a lot going on. I know that's an excuse, but it's the truth, I tell you. Here's an update of what's been going on with me lately:

Work
I'm looking for another job. I really like my job, but my company is unstable. We just got bought and everyone except for my department is being relocated to another state. Who's to say that our new owners won't decide to relocate my department's operations? Plus, management is very hush-hush about things that go down, and to me that's straight up fishy. There's no telling what they may spring on us. Also, every day in my inbox I see "farewell" emails. It may just be me, but I get a little nervous when there is a mass exodus of employees.

I just got promoted and I got a raise, but it only amounted to a measly $1500 increase in my salary. Yes, this is an increase to my annual salary, which only adds about $50 to $75 to my bi-monthly paycheck. My raise is eaten alive by taxes. So to me, the raise didn't mean much. Especially considering the amount of work I've taken on since being promoted. I'm doing the job of two people.

I've been working at this job for a little over a year, and my goal was to establish history somewhere and gain more marketing experience. I've met that goal, but I don't feel that I'm adequately compensated for the amount of work I do. During my review my boss made it clear that the raise she gave me was the maximum that I would receive. So even though the amount of work I'm responsible for is steadily increasing, my compensation is stagnant.

Men
On to other things...I met a guy I really like. He's super sweet, cool, smart, fun to be around, and he's good arm candy. Has a job, full set of teeth, and no kids. He respects me and cares about my well-being. The only thing is that he doesn't have a car.

He has his own place, but no wheels. Funny thing, because I'm the exact opposite. Brand new whip and still at my mom's crib. The material girl in me turns her nose up at Mr. No Car, but I can't help but like him. Mr. No Car is the nicest guy I've met in a long time. He calls when he says he is, treats me like a queen, he even brought ya girl medicine when she was sick. There aren't many guys out there, with or without wheels, that would do that.

Why o why did Mr. No Car come along just when I finally became happy being single? He is someone I could really see myself being with. I'm afraid of falling in love with him. I don't know if I got all the hoochie mama out of my system yet. He's mentioned to me on several occasions that he wants to be with me. But I don't know if I'm ready. *Sigh*

My Usual Man Issues
Throwbacks are resurfacing. Maybe since the holidays are approaching, the trifling fucks are reminiscing and reaching out. My ex, who I was with for 2 1/2 years until he cheated on me and then blamed me for his stepping outside our relationship, hit me up. We've texted back and forth but I'm none too interested in anything he's talking about. The former pseudo also stays in contact. We're friends, but he yearns for what we once had. I can't give that to him anymore. I'm thinking about sending out a memo cc'ing all the throwbacks telling them to please remain in the past because their continued presence is no longer wanted in my life.

Peace.