soul searching sista

I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. I'm trying to find my way and figure out how to have the most fulfilling life I possibly can. The #1 area I'm trying to figure out right now is my career.

I've gone through several different career changes and I'm only 25. I went to law school for a year, got suspended, got a job in the legal field, found that I hated it, and never went back. Clearly, I did things in reverse order there. I do things backwards sometimes, it's how I learn. I moved on to a career in marketing, where I'm finding that although there are some aspects of marketing that I like, I hate working in a corporate environment. I've been on several job interviews for public relations firms, event planning companies, and news wire services. You name the field, and I probably either had a job in it, internship, or interviewed for a position. There is a common denominator in all those fields - they all involve writing and communications. Whatever I do, I need to be doing that.

I'm finding that corporate America isn't for me. I'm too laid back and I don't have that sense urgency and super-competitiveness associated with the game. I'm not one of those overly aggressive people with a sense of drive that compels them to do whatever it takes to close the deal. I value things other than making money for a company and being somebody's office bitch.

What do I value? Knowledge. Literature. History and it's preservation. Literature is my first love. I love reading and writing. I love learning and expanding my knowledge. The pseudo affectionately refers to me as a ghetto hippie intellectual, because I enjoy going to the theater and museums exhibits, all while bumping Dogg Pound in the ride and rolling up a fat one. I rock black rimmed glasses and a nose ring. In an ideal world I would eat organic food, go green, and write all day while wearing flip flops and my favorite pair of jeans. I grew up in the LBC, I'm a beach girl. It's in me.

During a conversation a few evenings ago, I mentioned to the pseudo in passing that I always secretly wanted to be an English professor. He paused, looked me dead in the eye and said, "out of all the things you've ever said you wanted to do, that sounds the most 'you.' That's so your element." I look at him blankly for a second, and then I had a lightbulb moment. Right then it dawned on me that I should be an educator.

Duh, right? Why I hadn't considered it before, I don't know. When people find out I have an English degree, they always ask, "do you plan on teaching?" And the answer was always, "no." I think I needed to try different areas before I decided a path. I needed to satisfy my natural curiosity by experiencing different careers for myself. That way I can say I at least tried it firsthand.

Being an educator would give me the freedom to do my own thing. Aside from being a rewarding career, the hours are flexible, and I would get summer and winter breaks. Who couldn't use a summer vacation? The pay is cool too. I would be helping people learn while having room in my life to cultivate my own interests. So far its looking like:

Education=10, Corporate America=0

I prayed for guidance and direction and to find my purpose in life, and like God tends to do sometimes, he put it right in my face when I least expected it. If anyone ever doubts the power of prayer they are sorely misinformed.

In the words of one of the founding fathers of hip hop: thank you, god bless, and good night.

bgi

Chunky Butt Ex

There are moments in life where you just can't help but gloat. I recently saw my ex boyfriend when I went to his mom's house to visit his family. Doesn't it suck when you break up with someone and you have to break up with the family too? I freaking love my ex's family, they were like a second family to me when I was with him. But anyway, I went to visit and my ex happened to be home. I hadn't seen him since we broke up three years ago. Since we broke up, he's grown considerably.

Too bad that growth wasn't his evolvement [yes this is a word, I looked it up on dictionary.com] as a man, it's his waistline. Dude is a major chunky butt now. He looks fat and miserable. He's gained more than 25 pounds since we broke up three years ago. Since then I've lost nearly 20 pounds. When I laid eyes on him I couldn't help but smile. It's the greatest feeling in the world to see your ex for the first time since your breakup and you look your best and your ex looks like a fat miserable old man.

To be fair, we gained weight together. When I was with him I was in college and most of my free time was spent with him, eating, fucking, and sleeping. Not always in that order but definitely a combination of the three. I blame him for that Freshman 15 I put on in my junior year. We signed up for gym memberships together, and working out became a part of the mix of working out, eating junk afterward, fucking, and sleeping.

After I broke up with him I lost weight on the stress diet, but gained it all back after I got over him. Then I got motivated, changed my diet, and started seriously exercising and got my ass in shape. I may have never done that if I stayed with him.

The icing on the cake is his parents saying, "Girl you look so good now, have you lost weight?" and making a fuss over my weight loss. It's pretty noticeable since I'm only 5'2."

He was trying to be nonchalant, looking while trying not to look. Since that visit three months ago he's been emailing me with more frequency.

Big confidence booster. I feel for him because I can tell he's unhappy and miserable, but I feel so good knowing that I don't carry around excess weight anymore.

first post of 08

7 days into the new year, happy new year to everyone!

I feel like I just came out of hibernation. I was in a pretty dark mood for most of December, but now that the holidays are over and 2008 is here I can start fresh and hit the ground running.

Looking back, last year was blah. 2007 was some sort of weird phase for me. I didn't travel anywhere, I didn't experience anything out of the ordinary, I grew to detest my job after I got promoted. 2007 was very stagnant for me. The feeling of being immobile permeated my entire life. It got to a point where I had enough and I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life. I began to see that some of the immobility was self-imposed. I wanted to get published but I never wrote or submitted any pieces. I wanted a healthy relationship but I was wasting my time on situations that were damaging to me. I wanted another job but I didn't submit my resume because I was comfortable in the job I was in. I think I hit a wall or something because one day I woke up and said to myself, "I'm sick of this, something has to change."

I guess getting fed up is what it takes sometimes. I needed to get back to me and instead of constantly saying "I wish..." I needed to get up off my ass and make things happen.

I sought out inspiration. I went back and read some old journal entries from a couple of years ago, and based on the tone of my words I seemed like someone who was confident, curious about the world, ambitious, and free-spirited. I had crazy energy at that time. I realized that I'm the same person I was then, just a little more mature now with more life experience. I needed to get back to that person. I prayed, I cried, I meditated, I reflected; and after I was done I felt like my soul was cleansed. I realized that I contained the power to make things happen in my life.

So far this year I've been taking steps to get back to me. I'm looking for some writing classes, the job search is promising, I'm surrounding myself with positive people...and slowly but surely I'm getting my swagger back. BGI's mama didn't raise no punk, I'm about to make some moves in this world.

peace