Back to Basics

Well, the kid has decided to re-enroll in school. For no other reason than to get a financial aid check and defer my student loans. This weekend I was freaking out because I realized that I would have to pay almost $600 a month in student loan payments. I went into brainstorm mode, and decided that I would go ahead and take a few classes so I can defer the payments.

I suppose the financial aid hustle is viable to other alternatives. Apparently, there aren't too many ways to make extra money out here that don't involve compromising one's dignity. So I just went with what I knew: school.

I'm turning into what my mom calls a "professional student." Not a professional student in the sense of one who is pursuing a professional degree, but one who is going to school to avoid the responsibilities of real life. I'm not ready for all the responsibilities that come with being an adult. But then again, when is anyone ever ready?

Ready or not, I'm deferring those godforsaken student loan payments as long as I can. I'll probably have 3 master's degrees and a certificate in every damn subject at Santa Monica college, but at least I won't be getting dicked out of $600 a month for the next 20 years.

Aaaarrrgghhh!!

I'm in a crappy mood today. For no reason in particular, other than its Sunday and I have to get up and go to a place I really don't want to go to tomorrow. I know I am a small fish in a big pond of those who feel the exact same way, but I am extremely bored at my job. I do nothing of substance at my job, unless sitting there looking cute counts. And the people are such gossips. They are overly annoying. I'm just griping so much because I'm working in a position where I really don't want to be. Its just a means to get by for now. I used to want to have a long term career in the legal field, but now that feeling is waning. I want to pursue my first love of writing. I would really love to work with words. When I was in college, I majored in English and minored in Communications, so I did a substantial amount of writing. But after I graduated I began working in the legal field because I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. But after actually working in the field for awhile it sort of lost its luster to me.

I give myself a total of one year from my start date at my job. After that I'm leaving. I'm only giving it that much time because I need stability on my resume. After that I am going to begin establishing a career in writing and editing. I'm looking into entering a program for aspiring editors. I'm going to try to stick it out where I am. Well, not try. I am. I get paid a relatively good amount of money to sit on my ass. I shouldn't complain about that part of it, because a sista has got to pay the bills. But I'm for damn sure not going to waste my life at a place where I'm not doing what I love.

The Most Unfemale Female

I may be a little stoic sometimes. People who don't know me would say I am standoffish and a little cold. The pseudo reiterated this for me today when we were having a conversation about going to Vegas. He was like,"If you're going to Vegas with me, you are going to have to come out of your shell and let loose." I don't want to give the impression that I am a prude party pooper. I like to go out and have a good time just like the next 23 year old. However, I am an introverted person. I'm not a loud, rambunctious attention whore like many young women who live in LA. Thats the type of chick pseudo is used to, but that ain't me.

I've always been the type of person to keep my emotions bottled up. When I was growing up, my parents raised me with the belief that showing too much emotion was a sign of weakness. It works for me in my professional life. In past relationships, I've always been accused of acting like the guy in the relationship. The pseudo said that I am "the most unfemale female" that he knows.

I would rather be guarded than be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be perceived as a hysterical maniac. I want people to respect me and not belittle me because of how I express the way I feel. People tend to not take people seriously when they are too emotional. I want to be taken seriously when it matters. I want my respect. I demand my respect.

I know people who let their emotions rule in many aspects of their life. I feel that if I am more detached I can see things for what they really are rather than being one-sided. The down side is that in relationships its hard for me to show my true feelings, because then I feel vulnerable. Being vulnerable allows you to be taken advantage of. Not cool.

Maybe one day I will be with someone who will show me that its okay to show how I feel. But its hard out there. Especially in LA, the land of superficiality. You show your hand to the wrong person and you are screwed and chopped. Until then, the Great Wall will remain erected.