The Most Unfemale Female

I may be a little stoic sometimes. People who don't know me would say I am standoffish and a little cold. The pseudo reiterated this for me today when we were having a conversation about going to Vegas. He was like,"If you're going to Vegas with me, you are going to have to come out of your shell and let loose." I don't want to give the impression that I am a prude party pooper. I like to go out and have a good time just like the next 23 year old. However, I am an introverted person. I'm not a loud, rambunctious attention whore like many young women who live in LA. Thats the type of chick pseudo is used to, but that ain't me.

I've always been the type of person to keep my emotions bottled up. When I was growing up, my parents raised me with the belief that showing too much emotion was a sign of weakness. It works for me in my professional life. In past relationships, I've always been accused of acting like the guy in the relationship. The pseudo said that I am "the most unfemale female" that he knows.

I would rather be guarded than be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be perceived as a hysterical maniac. I want people to respect me and not belittle me because of how I express the way I feel. People tend to not take people seriously when they are too emotional. I want to be taken seriously when it matters. I want my respect. I demand my respect.

I know people who let their emotions rule in many aspects of their life. I feel that if I am more detached I can see things for what they really are rather than being one-sided. The down side is that in relationships its hard for me to show my true feelings, because then I feel vulnerable. Being vulnerable allows you to be taken advantage of. Not cool.

Maybe one day I will be with someone who will show me that its okay to show how I feel. But its hard out there. Especially in LA, the land of superficiality. You show your hand to the wrong person and you are screwed and chopped. Until then, the Great Wall will remain erected.