Dear BGI...

I read Dear Abby every single day, as well as Dear Prudence on MSN Slate every week. I know, I'm a total nerd who LOVES advice columns. There is something wonderful about people who have the answer to any every question imaginable.

Usually people who submit questions to the advice columns ask about boring shit: etiquette, work stuff, did I commit a social faux pas? Blah blah blah. But one of this week's questions stood the hell out:

Dear Prudence,
I am the mother of a beautiful, clever, generally well-behaved 4-year-old girl. I adore her, and she's a delight to be with in public and sweet as pie with other adults. My problem isn't something that other moms talk about, or that I've seen other little girls do. My daughter likes to—uh, how shall I put this?—rub herself on things: tables, chairs, ottomans, stairs. She really gets into it, and can go for long periods—half an hour, 45 minutes. She becomes very intent and flushed, and often gets upset when we try to stop her (probably because it feels good—duh!). My husband and I call it "doing that thing" and we have been generally tolerant of it, even though it has embarrassed us when she's done it in public places like bookstores or at the babysitter's house. We think exploring one's body is a normal thing and that probably she will grow out of this, but when friends come over and see her "doing that thing" on the coffee table, it's a real conversation-stopper. Should we prevent or prohibit this behavior, just because it embarrasses us? I don't think it's a disciplinary issue, because she's not disobeying us or hurting us or herself. We just figured it was something that she would grow out of, but she's doing it more and more. It's just such a strange, awkward habit, and I can't settle on a graceful, sensible, loving solution.

—Puzzled

Oh damn! The woman's daughter is going around humping every inanimate object in sight? Wow.

I personally think masturbation is healthy and normal. But I have issue with the fact that the punk ass mama doesn't know how to tell her daughter to not make whoopie with furniture in front of others!

I don't have children so I am by no means an authorithy on child-rearing. So what would have BGI's mama said about this situation? It would have gone something like, "Girl stop humping the damn furniture! You know, people have to sit there. It isn't appropriate to get yourself off in front of people. You can get yourself off in your private time till Kingdom Come but you better get your cooch off my got-damn couch!" My mom is REALLY blunt. She gives it to you straight, no chaser.

Prudie's response is a much more PC variation of my mama's advice but nevertheless wise and straight up:

Dear Puzzled,
Now that you know what your daughter's up to, look more closely and you may occasionally notice other sweet little girls plastered to furniture, oblivious to their surroundings. Of course she's upset when you try to stop her. If you felt you had 10 orgasms to go, you'd be annoyed if your mother told you you'd had enough. There's nothing strange about preschoolers masturbating—for reassurance, read about it at this University of Michigan site, or in the book Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask)—you will be able to relate to the mother of a 2-^_1/2-year-old who is quoted as saying, "Oh, my God, I realized Ella's humping Barney." How confusing and crushing for your daughter it would be if you tried to stop this behavior completely because of your own embarrassment. You want her to be comfortable with exploring her body and with the idea that it can be a source of pleasure. But at age 4, she is old enough to understand the distinction between things that are fine in private but not in public (she's toilet-trained, after all). You can explain to her that "doing that thing" is for at home when there's no company (if there's company, let her know she can do it in her room). When you're in public, and she starts approaching the nearest ottoman with that look on her face, tell her that's for when you're home, and come up with something to distract her. As for outgrowing "that thing," in a few years she will take it completely private (you needn't worry that your daughter will be rocking herself on the coffee table when she's 16), but you want to handle this now in such a way that you help her retain her robust joy in her body.

—Prudie

Lesson learned: it never occurred to me to use home furnishings when masturbating. Who knew? *Side-eyeing my leather chair*